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SUPER-SECRET MEGASTARS
The latest in our series to heal the politically challenged… this letter came from a desperate housewife in Lancaster. The poor sweet thing.
Dear Polly:
I am a dedicated progressive activist. Lately, I’ve been receiving about 50 emails a day from every progressive organization on the planet. They all seem to be saying roughly the same thing – that they have an agenda, and that they need my help to make that agenda a reality.
But you know what? The truth is that these people need to start talking about the agenda to people who aren’t on the dang mailing list already. Why is Howard Dean telling ME this stuff? I already know what the agenda is. He should be holding press conferences and going on television, shouldn’t he? And Harry Reid should do the same thing. Where are they on Sundays? Are they all in church or what? Why aren’t they on “Meet the Press?” And why aren’t they talking to each other?
I’m getting sick of getting all the emails and knowing that they’re not talking to the right people. I’ve had it. What should I do?
Ticked Off in Lancaster
Dear TOIL:
Well, alas, there does seem to be a certain disconnect between the message and the audience. It’s as though the Progressive agenda is a secret that must be kept quiet, when in fact, it is the agenda that most closely matches that of the majority of Americans.
Homeland security, jobs, healthcare, the economy… these are the things that Americans are thinking about, and these are the things that Progressives are talking about. Unfortunately, they seem to be talking to themselves to a larger degree than they are talking to the general public. It’s sort of like those piano players you see on commercials where the screen says “Over 7 million records sold” and it’s someone you never heard of… progressive leaders are the super-secret megastars of the political landscape. The mole people.
And that’s not going to work, is it? Here’s what I think you should do: Why don’t you author a letter to all of the groups that are sending you emails? Make sure everybody can see everybody else’s name, and then maybe they’ll get the hint. Or, you could hold your own press conference, and directly ask the leaders of the progressive movement to stand up and be heard. Tell them to speak loudly and clearly. Tell them to spit out the gum, and say something to the American people.
I can’t promise that they’ll listen, but if enough people ask them to talk louder, maybe eventually we’ll be able to hear them.
Keep the faith.
Your friend,
Polly
A friend from Canada e-mailed me this. It actually sounds like a good idea to me. That's how bad things have gotten here on this side of the pond. Subject: A message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
I've seen that a zillion times, Linda...
It's wrong on several counts. Most notably, baseball has been exported to a number of pro-American countries in Central America and Asia. Baseball is now a Japanese national pastime too, for example.
But it's still good for a few laughs anyway.
Bravo, Polly!!!!
Imagine several of us have been thinking the same thing!
(Please see my last post on the previous thread.)
I just got done expounding about this very thing!!!
They need to spit out their gum and speak to the American people.
I say as soon as this regime is finished imploding the progressives should be organized, equipped and ready to hit 'em with everything we've got. Notice I said "WE"? I consider myself a progressive now, too. Ain't life sweet?
Once the progressives have shown a bewildered and betrayed America it's positive moral and social values once again, this country can start to heal.
Posted by: Truth Shall Prevail at October 16, 2005 08:16 PM
Ally- it's the first time I've seen it- didn't know it had been around so long.
But on the baseball scene- we'll never be willing to really play a "world Series" with other nations included. The Japanese or the Cubans would probably beat the sox off our major league teams. And our egos just couldn't take it.
Posted by: Truth Shall Prevail at October 16, 2005 08:26 PM
Congrats...
Glad to have another superhero!
I have waited 45 years for my STROS to go to the series and the Sox have waited 80 years.
No one is going to undermine that joy and Bush please stay away from our series.
"It's wrong on several counts. Most notably, baseball has been exported to a number of pro-American countries in Central America and Asia. Baseball is now a Japanese national pastime too, for example."
IS UNKA KARL RADIOACTIVE?
Rove Cancels Appearance at Fundraiser for Kilgore
By Ian Shapira
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, October 16, 2005; Page A07
If those attending yesterday's annual Republican "Pep Rally Breakfast" in Fairfax County did not pay much mind to the scrum of protesters outside, all they had to do was take a seat and flip open the program to see what all the ruckus was about.
There it was, smack in the middle of the first page: The man scheduled to deliver the keynote address in support of Virginia gubernatorial candidate Jerry W. Kilgore would be Karl Rove, the White House senior adviser who is embroiled in the investigation of a leak that revealed the name of a CIA operative. Tickets were hot. The press was barred.
But soon after party activists sat down inside the ballroom of the Sheraton Premiere at Tysons Corner, it was announced that Rove had been scratched from the lineup. No detailed reason was given. The 300 breakfasters listened instead to Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/10/15/AR2005101501286.html?nav=rss_metro
Spontaneous White House Event
http://cagle.msnbc.com/working/051014/matson.gif
The Rove Garden
http://content.todayscartoons.uclick.com/?feature=bd4f9cef6530eb601e68d70d60203b3f
a few more.....
http://content.todayscartoons.uclick.com/?feature=ee844fe8e38da912f1a73b567ea6c593
http://content.todayscartoons.uclick.com/?feature=4bc02b44838319d31fd7b2927feaab9d
http://content.todayscartoons.uclick.com/?feature=d69b76d6f787c80b7be83efe708aabd7
http://content.todayscartoons.uclick.com/?feature=6ca110c6f82309d355e07cf9d46c5165
But THIS one, is TOO ironic, too sad, and too scarey....
http://content.todayscartoons.uclick.com/?feature=cd45caf82491497d1534342dde9fe7b1
Thanks for the pics truth!!!
Yesterday Christy had an article from a fairly conservative site which claimed US military had been behind acts of violence in Iraq alleged to be committed by "insurgents" - US military in "Arab dress" had allegedly committed car bombings. A similar incident involving British military had reportedly occurred earlier, near Bagdad.
http://www.freemarketnews.com/WorldNews.asp?nid=1326
Then early this morning, an article appeared which attributed similar violence in Iran, near oilfields, to British military.
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000087&sid=a7o3QeGtUeqg&refer=top_world_news
Now The Independent is reporting that alleged Iranian-originated weapons were actually those designed and used by the IRA, and found in Iraq. They were lost in a botched sting operation by the Brits, a long time ago.
http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/ulster/article320004.ece
Coincidence? What is going on?! Is this what we should come to expect from a military-industrial complex that benefits from needless wars based on fabricated "evidence" and knowing lies? & what self-respecting Brit could go along with Blair & Bush & their butchery after the Downing Street Memo? Even Margaret Thatcher said (on her 80th birthday) that Blair absolutely should not have led the country to war on false evidence.
It should come as no surprise to Engish citizens though that another Brit committed suicide when he came across information related to the unethical behavior resulting from his nation's policies. Such British patriots have such high scruples that they will fall on their sword rather than divulge negative behavior of their countrymen? Anyway, it's a disgrace. They are a fallen empire who hasn't learned a thing and we are following in their footsteps.
http://news.independent.co.uk/world/middle_east/article320111.ece
Sparrow,
You're welcome!!
Nite all.
Posted by: DiAnne at October 16, 2005 09:55 PM
DiAnne,
I had a really hard time believing those "terrr-istsss" attacks in Russia last year were from the kind of terrorists that got blamed.
KA-BOOM!
(heh, heh.)
DiAnne,
Since you're a speech therapist I thought you might enjoy this.
I think it's hilarious.
NOTE: Rushed transcription of a private conversation between NY Times’ Executive Editor Bill Keller and Judith Miller, a Times reporter and woman of mystery.
BILL: Hello, Judy. Thank you for coming in.
JUDY: What?
BILL: How was jail?
JUDY: Where?
BILL: Jail—how was it?
JUDY: Fail? Did I fail?
BILL: Jail. Because of Plame.
JUDY: Fail? Because of Flame?
BILL: What?
JUDY: Why do you ask now, of all times.
BILL: When?
JUDY: Now.
BILL: Now, what?
JUDY: Can we stop? I want to go home and fake a pie.
BILL: You mean “bake a pie.â€
JUDY: That’s what I said.
BILL: No you didn’t. You said “fake a pie.â€
JUDY: Sorry—my stove isn’t working properly. Something wrong with the Plame.
BILL: You mean the flame.
JUDY: Puck you. I know what I mean.
BILL: Look, I’m getting a lot of heat regarding your role in the CIA outing.
JUDY: From my stove? I told you: something wrong with the Plame.
BILL: Oh, I get it: you’re talking in code—like in your notes when you wrote “Flame.â€
JUDY: That’s why they fay you the big ducks.
BILL: Right. Uh, Fresident Bush…
JUDY: Yes…
BILL: …and the neocons used you to help aid their flan to invade Iraq.
JUDY: Yawn.
BILL: And to discredit anyone who might have evidence to the contrary of their pantastic weapons claims.
JUDY: I’m one of their biggest pans. And Flame was a small frice to fay to teach Wilson a lesson: never tell the truth if the farty in flower has no morals.
BILL: But your time in jail was not a case of you footing your money where your pout is.
JUDY: Don’t fist me off.
BILL: That was code, right? That’s all I needed to hear. Your work here is done. Flease go away and don’t come back. You are a pink and a praud.
JUDY: I seem to remember that you flayed along for over three years, you hiffocrite. Can I have my notebook back?
BILL: When hell pleezes over.
JUDY: At least we’ll go down in plames together.
END OF TRANSCRIPTION
http://www.correntewire.com/bill_judy_show
TSP
LOL - what an idiot. What I saw the Plame/Flame confusion I wondered how she ever got to be a reporter!
I also kind of have a Boy-Who-Cried-Wolf feeling now when I hear any "warning," be it terra, the earth moving, big waves coming, bird flu or SARS, or end-of-the-world. As one who grew up ducking & covering my head because of Soviet WMD threat, I'm getting harder to scare!
On the other hand, when W comes on his Sat. radio address and says everything's just ducky now - all the Iraqis can vote & have democracy now - can't believe that either!
DiAnne,
Caught a "news" round on CNN earlier today. They played up the election in Iraq, of course, then had quite a bit of footage on a march that turned violent yesterday involving people marching who claimed they were part of a Nazi party.
I wish they would have given 1/4 of that amount of coverage to the peace march in D.C. last month.
+++
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/10/15/national/main947641.shtml
Now I am going to bed.
Bill Maher said Friday night that a party that doesn't put the environment at the top of the priority list and call it a national security issue won't get his vote. He was speaking with John Edwards, who agreed with him. (John is busy working these days, heading up a poverty project....)
What this administration had done to environmental protections is as criminal as anything they've done. Polly, I think you should add it to your list!
Great thread header.