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Greetings, DCPers...
As you may know, recently I was released from a lengthy captivity in the bowels of the White House tunnel complex. My therapist tells me that I am now at a point in recovery where sharing my experiences may be productive. And so I shall...
Fortunately I kept a daily diary while I was held by my captors. Today, I will relate an early episode where the humble black pump played a key role in my salvation.
[Editor's Note: While Polly sigh is, um, unavailable, The Democracy Cell Project is delighted to welcome her brother, Paulie Sigh. Thank you Paulie, and enjoy your stay here!]
Yo! This is Paulie Sigh – Polly’s brudder. She axed me to tell yous fine folks dat she is ok – just busy tryin to do biziness usin' a bunch of cell phones. Every time she tries to make a call, it’s like a drum beat – tap, tap, tap.
Anyhows, she says dat I should tell yous what’s on my mind. So I says that won’t take too long – there ain’t much there. She says tell yous what’s got my goat. I tell her that’s dawg – not a goat! Goats don’t bark, silly.
So I says to her that I tink dat Louie “Big Eyes” gots his paws in the pick-up bags because the bags been awful light lately. So I asks him “Yo Louie – why is the bags so light – you ain’t been dippin’ has you?” “No, Boss – Honest!” he says. “The bags is different now. When I make the pick up downtown – ya know, on Wall Street, I need a garbage bag there’s so much dough! But I go down to the garment district, I use a sandwich bag – it’s like there’s nuthin there!”
“Listen to me Louie - I saw on the television the udder night dat the economy is on fire. There was dis guy from Connecticut – Chris “Lyin’ in the shade” Shays and he says “we got a great economy”. Then there was dis nice lady – Georgette “My father wanted a son” Mosbacher and she was sayin “The economy is doing great. It’s fantastic”. And one more – this Eddie “loose lips” Gillespie says that them Republicans is the ones who stand for high economic growth. Or maybe he was high when he said that – I don’t know.”
So Louie says to me that these are all Republican front-men type folks who support Bush – "Paulie: did they explain WHY they thought the economy was so good?” “No, Louie, they didn’t have to. They was all on Larry King Live so I knew they was telling the truth. Larry don’t lie to nobody.”
And you stop rolling your eyes at me!”
The latest in our series to heal the lumpen…
I would like to discuss a topic that came sharply into focus this week in Andersonia… Namely, the smoking ban.
Now you may be saying to yourself, “Hey, I don’t smoke, and I really don’t give a damn.” But I think this is a critical issue because it represents one more hill in the “I’m going to tell you how to live” battle that is raging on many fronts in our country.
It’s another hill we lost.
This is the latest installment of my weekly series for the tired, poor, huddled masses who dot the charred American political landscape. I have read your letters and feel your pain. May god bless you all. You are my people.
-- Polly
I received the following email written to radio personality, Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Dr. Laura is not a medical doctor, but she did receive a Ph.D. in one of the touchy-feely disciplines. This qualifies her to judge and pass sentence on Americans every day. So far, Dr. Laura has not answered the questions of this listener, so I will attempt to answer them today. The lumpen deserve no less. Read on…
Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.
The latest in our series to heal the politically afflicted…
As regular readers will know, two weeks ago in this column, I requested that my friends at the DCP send letters outlining their political woes… Today, I will be responding to one of those letters.
This one comes from our friend “NonnyO,” a regular poster and contributor at the DCP. Her plea for assistance in the area of Media Reform caught my attention. After all, can there really be a democracy without a free and unbiased press? I think if you’ve watched or read mainstream media in the last five years, you know the answer to this question. Nonny wants to know what we can do. Here is a part of her letter:
Dear Polly –
One of the original stated objectives of this blog was "media reform." How do you suggest we educate the media?
All of Nonny’s post can be seen on this thread titled "The Voice of the People".
AP - 7 minutes ago.
Washington, D.C.
March 3, 2006
Polly Sigh, noted political activist and healer, has unveiled plans to build an exclusive urban development catering strictly to a non-religious population.
"We're just trying to get back to the American idea of personal freedom and small government. We won't be catering to the zealots out there. If you're a religious wacko, and you want to be told what you can watch, who you can sleep with, who you can marry, or how to live your life in any way, don't move here."
Dear Reader: This week, our intrepid political healer Polly Sigh is asking for your input. As actively participating members of the charred political landscape, it’s time for your voice to be heard… Polly’s note is below.
Dear Friends:
It has been many moons since this column began, and my colleagues here at the Democracy Cell Project continue to do the hard work of being involved. The fight for the soul of our nation continues daily. For this reason, I am sending out a simple request to you – the loyal – the patriotic – the committed – the dedicated.
Send me your poor huddled letters, yearning to be free. I want to hear from you – the members of the DCP… You are from many regions of this great land, and you suffer a variety of political insults every day. I want to know what they are. I want details. I want to know what troubles you, my people.
So please, post your letters right here, and next week, I will select and respond to the letter that offers the best opportunity for group healing.
Until then, walk with open eyes and a willing heart.
I look forward to feeling your pain. Or your joy. Or your confusion. Whatever. You get my point.
Tons, even gobs, of love,
Polly
Our weekly humor and satire columnist, the intrepid Polly Sigh, brings us her column from far off places....
I received a call from a very reliable ‘official Washington’ source regarding an incident involving the Vice President and some of our inter-galactic neighbors…it seems that word is leaking out of the administration once again. Leaks are not pretty.
This highly placed source has revealed that aliens (not the "guest worker" kind) have taken the Vice President aboard their spacecraft, but refuse to a probe.
I felt it was important enough to share it with you.
The latest in our series to give spiritual guidance to the politically injured…
Dear Polly:
I’m stunned. Stunned, by the arrogance of this administration. I feel like I’ve been transported to another country where the law has been eradicated by a mad dictatorship. Do we have laws any more? Is Congress still supposed to oversee the Executive branch? Do we have a real Supreme Court, or is that now a political tool of the right wing neocon movement? Is anything what it used to be?
Republicans in Congress actually appointed Tom DeLay to the Appropriations subcommittee that oversees the Justice Department. This would be the Justice Department that is currently investigating Jack Abramoff and his connections to various Republicans, including Tom DeLay.
Past FEMA director and super-stooge Michael Brown testified to Congress this week that nobody in Homeland Security was bright enough to actually help during the Katrina crisis. He didn’t even bother to call them. This is how useless Homeland Security is.
Meanwhile, Vice President Cheney is busy leaking the identity of intelligence agents who questioned the administration’s information leading up to the start of the Iraq war. This is the Vice President leaking classified information when the country is at war. Does anyone care?
Is this some kind of joke? Why aren’t the people and the media marching in the streets? I’m disgusted, I’m insulted, and most of all I’m frightened of how complacent we have become.
If Americans in 1776 would have been willing to tolerate this from the government, we’d still be under British rule.
Is the American spirit completely dead?
Edgy Amarillo Gal Looking East
The latest in our series to heal the lumpen masses. And they are lumpen. Really…
Dear Polly:
I’m starting to lose track of the scandals that plague the Bush administration, but the thing that’s making me really crazy is the constant media reference to Bush’s public relations tours.
When did it become okay for a President to devote most of his time to public relations, and no time to governing the country? Between riding his bike, cutting shrubbery in Texas, and exercising 58 times a week, when is this guy actually thinking about the country? And to add insult to injury, these tours are paid for with our tax dollars. Why don’t members of the media talk about this?
Now this week, we’re going to have to watch the uber spinfest that the State of the Union has become. Frankly, I just don’t think I can take it. I’m so disgusted, I think I’ll rent a movie that night. I can’t sit still for any more spin, any more hollow talking points, any more of the fear-peddling that is the hallmark of George Bush’s presidency.
In short, I give up. Apparently, Americans have gotten so lazy and self-absorbed that they don’t care about the country or the damage being done to it.
I’ve had it. Not only am I skipping the State of the Union, I think I’m done with politics completely. Nobody cares anymore.
Sincerely,
Mad At Misguided Americans
The latest in our series to heal the lumpen, teeming masses of the politically lame…
Dear Polly:
I saw last week that a new Osama bin Laden tape suddenly appeared just in the nick of time to stop discussion of the Bush illegal wiretap scandal. It strikes me that these tapes tend to appear in a most timely manner, and coincidentally, fit beautifully into George Bush and Dick Cheney’s talking points.
Maybe I’m getting completely paranoid, but doesn’t it seem like the OTB tapes are serving the same function as the terror alert level changes before the 2004 elections? They seem to appear just like the ‘orange alerts’ did when the President’s poll numbers were in the proverbial pooper, and they need a distraction.
Is it just me? Am I starting to go round the bend? Many of my friends have wondered the same thing, so I am not alone in this. But frankly, there has been so much malarkey from this administration that I’m starting to doubt my ability to sort truth from fiction.
Please tell me your thoughts so I can share them with my friends.
Suspicious Lady Out West
The latest in our series to heal the politically afflicted…
Dear Polly:
I saw Samuel Alito’s wife crying during his confirmation hearings… I’m not sure why she cried, but it got a lot of attention from those dolts in the media. Here’s the thing, though – when the hearing was all over, her husband ran out of the room without so much as giving her a hug, and left her standing there like a deer in the headlights.
So, I have two questions, really:
1) Why was that woman crying? There’s no crying in Supreme Court confirmation hearings…
2) Why did he run out of there, leaving her all alone, when she was all upset?
Woman Riled about Tacky Husband
The latest in our series to heal the politically and spiritually blighted…
Dear Polly:
I have been watching the turmoil in Congress for quite some time, and it just seems to get wilder every day. And not just in Republican circles. For Republicans, it looks like a whole lot of them are going to be in a whole lot of trouble. For Democrats, it looks like a whole lot of them are starting to grow a spine. I feel like I’m on another planet.
The political landscape has become almost unrecognizable from recent years.
My question is this: Do you think this shake-up will truly put the legislative branch back in touch with the American people? Or will it make a few headlines and then go back to business as usual?
Lethargic in Philly Suburb
[Editor's Note: Happy New Year everyone! We are catching up with Polly Sigh a day later than usual. She requested we do so to throw off any NSA folks who may be tapping her, following her, et cetera. Enjoy her now, as we will be returning Karen's call to action blog post to the top slot on the front page early this evening, giving people who may have been travelling a chance to read it.]
The latest in our series to heal the politically lame, blind and otherwise afflicted…
Another missive from ‘X’ arrived, with a tone of urgency that I must say made me somewhat anxious. Clearly, something was terribly wrong in Denmark, er, America… The text of that brief alert is reprinted here:
Dear Polly:
We must meet immediately. There have been some disturbing developments in the circle. Please come to the lobby of our rendezvous location at 6:00 pm tomorrow evening. Dress is casual.
‘X’
A special missive from our resident political healer Polly Sigh…
In light of the recent prime-time tantrum from George Bush that he has every right to listen to Americans' phone conversations and read our emails, I thought I’d start a list of questions that we can randomly throw into conversations and electronic communications.
And don’t worry if they don’t make sense to the person you’re talking to. You can explain it all when you meet in person behind a potted palm in a hotel lobby.
The latest in our series to heal the stunned, tired and increasingly angry American soul…
Dear Polly:
Yesterday, I heard a commentary from Jack Cafferty on CNN that restored my faith in some members of the media. His commentary “Just Do It” was a perfect condemnation of the crony-kissing, back-slapping sycophants that make up George Bush’s inner circle. The policies that have emerged from this incestuous little group of king-makers are disastrous. I was glad – for once – to see somebody in the media stand up and say it like it is. He looked very angry.
Cafferty laid out the many areas in which the Bush administration has ignored or deliberately circumvented the laws of this land and our Constitution. The same laws and Constitution that the President swore an oath to uphold.
At least there’s one person out there who’s not afraid of the bullies in the White House. I’m going to write a letter to Jack Cafferty and thank him for telling the truth. But I’d like to do something that will encourage other members of the media to do the same.
Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated. Without a free and honest press, this democracy cannot survive. Please tell me what I can do.
Sincerely,
Hopeful at Last
The latest in our series to heal the politically lame…
Dear Polly:
What happened to Joe Lieberman? He used to be a Democrat, didn’t he? Now, when over 60% of the country is calling for a real plan to get us out of Iraq, suddenly he starts running around saying we have to maintain support for the President that got us into this mess… He should be standing with the Democrats and Republicans who are calling for a better answer on Iraq.
I’m confused. Can you shed any light?
Sincerely,
Baffled
The latest in our series to heal the lumpen proletariat…
Dear Polly:
I am a prominent conservative, and have been a U.S. Senator for 12 years. I’m worried that I will end up spending the rest of my life in prison, along with most of my friends in the Senate.
Because of the highly partisan climate that has infected Congress in recent years, some crimes are now being prosecuted… Stuff that we’ve all been doing for years is suddenly a really big deal. It’s disgusting and unpatriotic. All of the charges are ludicrous, but the liberal media is making it sound like we’re a bunch of criminals. In reality, my friends and I are great Americans being persecuted by the commie press.
I could save myself, but I’d have to sell out all my friends to do it…
Also, I have a family to think of, and my first obligation is to them. At least I think it is. I’m not sure anymore. My hair is falling out in clumps and my gums are bleeding. I’m so stressed out that I can’t even eat a good steak. The only thing that makes me feel better is listening to Johnny Cash.
I don’t know who my friends are anymore. If I go to prison to save the others, will you be my friend and write to me? You may be the only one.
Senator and Patriot
SPECIAL HOLIDAY GREETINGS FROM
THE POLLY SIGH HEALING CENTER FOR THE LUMPEN
This letter came to me early in the week, in anticipation of the joyous celebration that is Thanksgiving. This poor soul carries the burden of several extreme right-wing relatives, and finds the challenge of civilized conversation quite notable. Naturally, I have come to her rescue with the white light of familial survival. God bless us, every one.
Dear Polly:
I am writing out of complete frustration and a good deal of nervous energy. Thanksgiving approaches, and I will have to spend an entire day with my Uncle Leonid (Lenny) and Aunt Sequoia (Squiggy). They are so far right, they make Jerry Falwell look like a hippy. They are so far right, they make Bill Frist look like a raving liberal. They are so far right… well, you get the idea.
Anyway, I know that at some point in the day, Uncle Lenny will start prattling on about how wonderful the war is going in Iraq, and how President Bush is a great military leader and a brilliant man. I will sit there praying that I do not have a stroke at the dinner table.
I usually don’t respond to him, but this year, I just don’t think I can take it. He’s such a mad partisan that he doesn’t care if we’re really winning the war or not – he just wants everyone to pretend it’s all okay, because the President is a member of his political party. I think we’re Americans before we’re members of a political party, and I think we owe it to our country to be honest about what’s happening in Iraq. But not Lenny and Squiggy… No siree.
It’s so delusional, it makes me wonder if maybe he’s getting a bit loopy in the head, if you know what I mean… Anyway, I’d like some helpful advice on how to keep cool, and not blow a gasket and grab him by his chicken neck and squeeze until his eyes pop out.
Help me.
Terrified of Thanksgiving
The latest in our series to heal the lumpen masses, and bring light to their dreary lives…this poor sod was disturbed by the massive PR effort that fully occupied the attention of the White House this week. I have reprinted this letter as representative of the 4,328 I received on this subject.
Dear Polly:
I was outraged this week to see the White House spin machine kick into full gear, as the President’s poll numbers plunged to another new low. I think he’s gonna break some kind of record soon, isn’t he? I mean, how bad do things have to get before the Congress or the people or somebody, stand up and say, “you’re fired, you putz?”
And aren’t there one or two other issues that require their attention right now?
But are they talking about a plan for Iraq? No. Are they talking about a deficit that will cripple my grandchildren? No. Their ONLY concern is defending themselves against the increasing public outcry over the failure in Iraq. They offer NO plan to get things on track, but they find the time to attack a decorated war veteran, Jack Murtha, for speaking out against the chicken hawk king, “Deferrment Dick” Cheney. “Deferrment Dick” came out big this week calling people “reprehensible” and accusing them of harming the troops by demanding some kind of plan from the clown club that is this administration.
Who are these people trying to kid? They don’t think the troops have been harmed by not having an actual policy on Iraq? I think the families of the 2000 + American service members who have given their lives for this debacle might disagree.
I’m so disgusted, I just had to blow off some steam. But I don’t think there’s anything I can really do anymore, is there? I mean, we’re stuck with this guy for another 3 years, right? I wish there was something we could do to stop the bleeding and start to fix this mess, but I don’t know what it is…. Please tell me if there’s something to be done.
Worried Man in Detroit
[Editors Note: We continue our Veteran's Day weekend series of posts. The intrepid Polly Sigh weighs in...]
The latest in our series to heal the politically lame…. I received this letter on Thursday, from a very rightly upset American veteran. It is with great disgust that I reprint it for you today.
Dear Polly:
I am a disabled veteran of the Vietnam war. This week, for the first time in 55 years, the Disabled American Veterans (DAV) were notified that they will no longer be allowed to testify before a joint session of the House and Senate Veteran’s Affairs Committee.
Representative Steve Buyers (R-IN) apparently decided that Veteran’s issues are no longer important enough to merit discussion with the elected leaders of this government.
This is particularly appalling when you consider that the U.S. is currently at war, and that the number of disabled veterans increases daily. This coupled with the recent VA budget cuts has made me so angry that I just have to do something. What do you think is the best approach to this? I intend to contact a lot of my friends, and we are ready to do whatever you think will get some action.
Then on Veteran’s Day, President Bush has the audacity to stand in front of a group of our service men and women, and talk about what we have to do for our veterans. We served our country, and we deserve to be heard in the U.S. Congress. We’ve had it with these hypocrites.
Sincerely,
Disabled American Veteran
The latest in our attempt to heal the flailing, lumpen masses continues with this week’s letter…
Dear Polly:
I see that as usual, there are partisan operatives working to undermine our efforts in Iraq, and make the President look bad. George Bush is the best President ever, and I’m really tired of listening to the criticism of our troops. On Saturday, a bunch of veterans (of all things) went to the White House to protest the war in Iraq. What kind of veteran protests a war? These are not real veterans, they are liberal agents of the radical left, and they do not represent the opinions of real Americans.
I’m sick to death of it, and I am going to work to expose their mission. Consider this letter a warning that I will be writing to you quite frequently from now on.
Pissed Off in Southern Ohio Neighborhood.
In a world gone mad, the latest offering in our series to heal the politically vulnerable.
Dear Polly:
Is it true that the guy who is Tom DeLay’s lawyer also defended the Waco Wacko, David Koresh? My aunt Mavis told me this, but she is getting up there in years, and she’d had a couple of martinis that night…. She also thinks the moon landing was fake, and that cats are going to be extinct by 2012. She still wears a mood ring, which is persistently a dark greenish black unless she is drinking martinis, in which case it turns bright yellow. Sometimes she frightens and confuses me. But I digress… what I really don’t get is where these guys keep finding these scumbag lawyers. I mean, Karl Rove has a lawyer, the President and Vice President have lawyers, Scooter Libby has a lawyer. It’s like there’s a lawyer factory somewhere funneling greasy people directly to Washington, D.C. Little guys never get high-powered attorneys to defend them, and they don’t get to change judges because they don’t like their personal political views. Seems to me the whole thing is getting out of control. Is there anything you can do?
Tense in Charleston.
The latest in our series to heal the politically challenged… this letter came from a desperate housewife in Lancaster. The poor sweet thing.
Dear Polly:
I am a dedicated progressive activist. Lately, I’ve been receiving about 50 emails a day from every progressive organization on the planet. They all seem to be saying roughly the same thing – that they have an agenda, and that they need my help to make that agenda a reality.
The latest in our series to heal the lumpen and afflicted masses... long may they wave. This week I will be sharing a reader's letter that seeks to lift us up from the viscous pool of governmental ooze and remind us that there have been, and still are, great humans among us.
Dear Polly:
As I watched news coverage of the on-going implosion in Washington and the sickening culture of corruption that has taken over that city, I started to become depressed. And then something just snapped, and I decided to make a list of people who have done GOOD things – people who have made a difference, in a positive way, to other people and to our human identity. It made me feel a lot better, although some of them I don’t know their names. I hope you’ll share it with your readers.
Signed,
Much Better Now
This weekend, our intrepid healer Polly Sigh ventures to northern Andersonia for a much needed rest. She will bask in the wistful cry of the loon in the morning mist. The voice of the wind in the pines. The starry quiet of the northern sky.....
Deep contemplation and healing are necessary, in preparation for the cosmic repercussions that are sure to follow the present meltdown of Congress and the administration.
Next week, she will be back with her beloved compatriots at the DCP to continue the battle for the soul of America.
Until then, ponder this quote, and share your thoughts.
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." --Matt Groening
The latest installment in our series to heal the shockingly afflicted lumpen masses... Oy.
Today's message comes from the heart of official Washington. Specifically, Busboys & Poets Cafe, where rehearsals are being held for Monday night's performance of "Fear Up: Stories from Guantanamo and Baghdad." As always, I am here to support my friends at the Democracy Cell Project in their first major event. Frequent readers will note that I have spent a great deal of time in Washington lately, a fact not without cost to loved ones at home in Andersonia. I send them love and white light.
Actors have come together from around the D.C. metro and across the country to share the real-life stories of the many individuals who have experienced the conflict in Iraq on a deeply personal level. This group of actors will give voice to some of their stories on Monday.
As always, it is pleasurable to see actors in their natural habitat - a darkened, empty room, waiting for an audience that has been liberally plied with liquor. I have a great appreciation for this art form, having dabbled in it myself prior to my work as an international healer and espionage agent. Life is quite a journey, isn't it?
The stories the actors tell are not funny. They are tragic, and horrifying and generally do not help in the digestive process, but they are stories that need to be told. You will not see them on CNN.
I have been asked to provide some comic relief to the people involved in this project, and so have brought my unicycle and a miniature poodle to lighten things up a little. Her name is Pinky Bodacious, and she does tricks that are appropriate for ages 18 and up. If you're old enough to vote, you can see her show when it comes to a theater near you.
In any case, Monday's event promises to be an exciting one, and I look forward to keeping my loyal readers apprised of all the action. There is much more to come, and I will work tirelessly to report all of it for you, my lumpen friends.
Here's a hint of what's to come...
Tomorrow: Report from the "Bushville" encampment on the National Mall.... Think "Hooverville" and you're on the right track...
There really is no rest for the wicked. See you tomorrow.
Love,
Polly
The latest installment in our series to heal the politically lame...
Dear Polly:
Is it true that when Congress comes back into session, they will be dealing immediately with the permanent repeal of the estate tax? This can’t be true! Don’t they have other things to do that are more important right now? Katrina will cost the nation millions. It seems to me that the federal government should not be reducing taxes again for the wealthy right now. I’m stunned. Can you shed some light on this?
Really Amazed in Nebraska
Dear RAIN:
Yes, sadly it is true. Even in light of the horrific events in the Gulf Coast, Congressional leaders will get to work immediately, repealing the estate tax and sucking billions out of the federal treasury. If I were the sort of person that gave thought to these matters, I might wonder if perhaps this isn’t a bad time to give big, wet, crinkly green kisses to the richest Americans, and then televise the appalling conditions of the poorest Americans.
But thankfully, I am not the kind of person that notices such things.
After next week’s ‘Save the Wealthy’ mission is accomplished, Congress will move on to other less important matters, like figuring out how we’re going to pay for rebuilding the majority of the Gulf Coast. Although, in a bold break from American tradition, House Speaker Dennis Hastert suggested this week that maybe we should just let New Orleans go, and not bother to rebuild it.
You can read the details here: http://www.dailyherald.com/story.asp?id=89334
Forward thinker, Mr. Hastert is. In fact, he is joined by other forward thinking groups, such as this article from Repent America, which details why New Orleans, as a hotbed of sin, was rife for such punishment:
http://www.repentamerica.com/pr_hurricanekatrina.html
On a related note, one reader wondered if we should apply the “Hastert Principle” to other states stricken by disaster in the future. For example, if California experiences a major earthquake, should we really go to all the expense of rescuing people and trying to rebuild the state? After all, they’re mostly movie people out there and well…
Or the Pacific Northwest states that suffer those terrible wildfires… Or Florida… Or New York… or the tornado plagued states of the Midwest…
I wonder what the new flag will look like when there are only twelve states.
Polly
The latest in our series to improve the lives of the lumpen masses... May God bless you - you are my people.
The following letter did not arrive by post, as is traditional. It appeared in our tiramisu during dessert at my favorite Italian restaurant. At first, I thought it was the dinner check, and being a supporter of the President’s national economic strategy, I passed it directly to my twelve-year old niece for payment. When her expression changed to one of blank confusion, I decided to take a look. It is reprinted below for your edification.
Note: I have advised the author of this letter to seek further political counseling. I will be seeing her on a weekly basis, in an attempt to clarify the subtle language of candidate pandering.
Dear Polly:
Politically speaking, I consider myself an Independent. I have voted for candidates of both parties, and try to make decisions based on who is the better individual, as opposed to who carries a certain party affiliation. I think this is the responsible approach to my civic duty.
But lately, I am having a harder time figuring out what the candidates stand for... They keep changing their positions on things. For instance, I used to be a big fan of John McCain, but then after the Bush people slimed him in 2000, he campaigned for Bush in 2004. I find this somewhat confusing.
Another example... I followed the Bankruptcy bill closely, and was surprised to find that some Democrats supported the bill, which will hurt working Americans deeply. Again, this is confusing to me. Aren’t Democrats supposed to support working people?
President Bush is plunging our nation into unsustainable debt, which doesn’t quite match up with the whole fiscal conservative thing... I just can’t figure these people out any more.
I have many more examples in the attached list, but you get the idea. There are important elections coming up in 2006 and 2008, and I’m already getting nervous about it. I have no idea how I’m going to figure it all out. Please help if you can.
Youth Experiencing Terrible Indecision
Dear YETI:
Alas, you are not alone. Many Americans have written to me of our unheralded national arrival in “interesting times.” And by interesting, I mean interesting in the same sense that human-caribou interactions are interesting...
It has become increasingly difficult to discern the actual positions of candidates on many important issues. Partially, we can blame the 24-hour cable news cycle for this. The constant drone of mindless media babble, the unending spin from hired political guns – all of these things tend to confuse the typical American voter.
I am working on a new product that I hope will help.
It’s called “Candidate Ouiji – Political Guidance from Beyond the Grave.”
These days there’s really no point in trying to discern what candidates really stand for, because in truth, most of them don’t really stand for anything. They talk about standing for things, but when it comes time to actually stand, years of constant position-changing have turned their knees to protojelly. This renders the spinal cord ineffective and results in the kind of meltdown we saw recently with the people who voted for the Energy bill. This bill had so much pork in it, pigs across the nation actually blushed. What’s a voter to do?
Well, YETI, your worries are over. “Candidate Ouiji” takes this burden off your shoulders, and places it squarely in the hands of those that have passed on. These spiritual beings can make a decision without the emotional sturm and drang that afflicts those of us on the earthly physical plane. This advice is then communicated to us through the ouiji board. “Candidate Ouiji” is a great way to meet your neighbors, too, so it provides a community-building aspect as well.
So... between our upcoming weekly sessions, and the availability of “Candidate Ouiji,” you should experience an epiphany of political healing in the very near future. You can look forward to voting with conviction in 06 and 08.
Thanks for writing, YETI, and I’ll see you next week.
Your friend and advisor,
Polly Sigh
The latest in our series to heal the politically lame... Today’s laying on of hands follows the receipt of this diatribe.
Dear Polly:
I am really sick of hearing about this Cindy Sheehan lady. I mean, it’s a shame she lost her son. But so have a lot of other people, and you don’t hear them crying about it continually. I think she is disrespecting her son’s memory by speaking out against the war, and using her son’s death to speak out against President Bush. And asking to see the President personally is just ridiculous. He’s too busy for that kind of thing. I don’t know whether you agree with her or not, but I hope you’ll print this letter.
“Sick Of It” Lady
Dear SOIL:
Well, as you can see, I did print your letter. I have received a number of letters regarding Cindy Sheehan, and the vast majority do not share your opinion. Many people have written to say that she has a right to say whatever she damn well pleases about the war, having sacrificed her first-born to it.
I won’t interject my own opinion here, you miserable, misguided, pathetic excuse for a human being, but I can say this...
America is still sort of a free country, and one of the ways we know this is that people are allowed to speak out when they disagree with the actions of our government. That’s what separates us from the monkeys, dear. That, and the ability to make hors d’eouvres. You don’t see hors d’eouvres in the animal kingdom. Which is really a shame, because maybe if they could get a handle on the appetizer concept they wouldn’t eat each other.
Anyway, my point here is that Cindy Sheehan, like every other American citizen, and maybe more so because of her loss, has the right to speak her mind. Ask yourself this question, SOIL: If Cindy Sheehan was traveling the country saying that the war was a noble cause, and that she proudly gave her son to that effort, would you be upset? Would that be “using her son’s death?”
Answer this question honestly, SOIL, because the other thing that separates us from the monkeys is the ability to look in the mirror and tell ourselves the truth.
I have a hunch that you disagree with Cindy’s position on the Iraq war, but do not want to say this. So instead, you say that she is using her son’s death. That her behavior is somehow unseemly. But that is not really what makes you angry. What makes you angry, really, is that she does not believe this war was worthy of her son’s life.
So while you’re looking in the mirror, SOIL, you might want to ask yourself another question: Is the Iraq war worth the life of your son or daughter?
Sincerely,
Polly
The latest installment from our intrepid political healer, Polly Sigh, as she travels incognito to our nation's capitol.
NOTE: This week's healing shall be brief, as it is entirely possible that I am being followed, and therefore may be forced to initiate evasive manouvers.
Dear Reader:
I write this from an undisclosed location (K Street) in the heart of the capitol city... And what a lovely city it is, despite the sometimes nefarious nature of those that populate it, and the current ambient temperature of 5000 degrees farenheit.
As loyal readers will recall, some months ago, I had a secret meeting in Michigan with an undercover government operative named "X"... Obviously, he's not really named "X," but if I named him "Y" you can see the kind of confusion that could arise...
For those that do not recall this life changing experience, feel free to revisit the following link:
http://www.democracycellproject.net/blog/archives/2005/04/love_and_espion.html
In any event, during that meeting, I was asked to make contact with a certain individual who may or may not be engaged in counter-espionage efforts. Our contact is detailed in the following letter to readers:
http://www.democracycellproject.net/blog/archives/2005/05/past_and_future.html
Following this contact, I was to again meet with X, and provide details of any new information.
Well, today is the day that I meet again with X to give a full report of what I have discovered these past months. And as some readers know, the mere thought of an upcoming meeting with X makes my heart beat a little faster. But alas, the spy business requires that I deny these instincts, and stick to presenting the facts. Not an easy thing, but I can accomplish it, being a highly disciplined and patriotic American. I make these sacrifices for you, dear reader, and the next generation of brave little Sigh-lets that will come after us.
Oh, my... it appears that a gentleman of dubious social background is hovering nearby... In fact, I believe I have seen him already today. Hmmm... I'm afraid I must dash, my lumpen friends, and throw him off the trail before I meet my beloved X... Think good thoughts, my dears, and I will be writing to you again before you know it.
Until then, may you walk with open eyes and a willing heart.
Your spiritual and political advisor,
Polly
The latest installment from our resident political healer, Polly Sigh... Step into the light, oh lumpen ones.
Dear Polly Sigh:
Recently my husband and I were visiting Washington, D.C., and took the Capitol Tour. It was very exciting and informative. Also, I was surprised to see how polite and considerate Congressional members were to each other in their discourse on the chamber floor. You hear constantly about the bitter partisanship raging in Washington, but I have to say that our tour revealed exactly the opposite. We saw members holding doors for each other, offering meetings to hear the other side’s opinions, giving compliments, and generally accomplishing the people’s business in an efficient and civilized fashion. The surroundings are comfortable and luxurious, and the catered meals are culturally varied and of excellent quality. In fact, we overheard one Senator remarking that the atmosphere was almost as soothing and beautiful as the prisoner housing at Guantanamo Bay. It was a wonderful surprise. All the fuss over how negative and bitter it all is seems to be a fabrication of the media and the vast left wing conspiracy to create problems where none exist. I thought you should share this with your readers.
Positively Impacted Surprised Southerner
Dear PISS:
Well, I can see by the insightful nature of your missive that you are a keenly attuned individual, sensitive to the nuances that color current events. You have that uncanny ability to see through the dog-and-pony-show-publicity efforts that can clutter the minds of lesser intellects.
But seriously.
It is comforting to know that the back and forth Nazi comparisons, the denial of floor time for minority members and other recent Congressional meltdowns have been merely an illusion created by the media. They have been guilty of this before, such as in their extensive coverage of the Watergate hearings, the Iran-Contra affair, and other national irrelevancies that have been elevated to the level of ‘information.’
Even now, members of Congress are taking fact-finding junkets to Guantanamo Bay, in order to understand what has made that facility so successful in promoting the American ideal around the globe. They hope to create the same kind of global success story for the U.S. Congress, while recognizing that they still have a long way to go. Like many national initiatives, these things do not represent a failure of leadership, but instead illustrate the renegade misbehavior of a few members of Congress. Unfortunately, these isolated incidents have damaged the reputation of this illustrious institution. Naturally, all appropriate steps are being taken to improve the situation, including a major publicity effort.
But alas, PISS, the longest journey begins with a single step, does it not?
I am deeply happy that you had such a wonderful experience in your tour of the Capitol. It makes one proud to see the reality of Democracy in action.
In closing, I would like to suggest another tour that I have found to be truly inspiring. The Brooklyn Bridge Tour is fabulous, inexpensive, and ends with an opportunity to buy into a potentially valuable ‘vehicular time-share’ program that has recently been introduced.
I share this with you because as I said above, readers with your keen insight and intuitive understanding are rare. So please. Take the Brooklyn Bridge Tour, and stay for the coffee and cookies.
Best of luck in your discovery of the real America. The real America that only a real American such as yourself can truly appreciate.
Sincerely,
Polly
[The next installment from the intrepid Polly Sigh, our self-help columnist, in an ongoing series to politically heal the lumpen masses, strewn across the charred electoral landscape...]
This note was passed to me as I dined with a friend at a local Irish watering hole... it embodies the kind of angst that is afflicting Americans all over this land. As always, I feel their pain.
I would also like to note that due to an extraordinary exertion of universal forces, a great discomfort seems to have beset friends far and near. Naturally, I do my best to try to ease their burdens. I love them all.
The latest installment in our series to heal the politically lame… God knows they need it.
Dear Polly:
Recently I heard about the Darby CD photos and videos of Abu Ghraib torture that the Bush administration is refusing to release. Reportedly these photos and videos document the torture of Iraqi citizens by the U.S. military… My husband and I have never really discussed politics, but last week he was reading the newspaper and suddenly said, “I don’t know why everybody’s so worried about torturing these people… who cares?” Well, I almost fell out of my chair…I am of the opinion that the U.S. should always maintain a higher standard of human dignity, even in war. I won’t go into the details, but I can tell you that our conversation did not go well, and we ended up in a huge fight. He became absolutely furious, called me an idiot, and now he hasn’t spoken to me for a week…our house is like a mausoleum. I won’t apologize for my opinion, but I feel like I should try to smooth the waters. I know you are an expert in these things. Any ideas?
Sad Lady in Memphis
Dear SLIM:
The latest in our series to heal the politically lame...
In lieu of a reader letter this week, I will be sharing information about the new Polly Sigh Spa-Retreat. It's called "Camp Neocon," and will feature everything a rightwing extremist could dream of...
In a sort of homage to the charming "Camp Gitmo" described in such detail on the Rush Limbaugh website, we've created our own special haven for angry neocons and right wing fanatics.
Nestled in an undisclosed barren desert location, Camp Neocon combines the rigid ideology of James Dobson with the oily hypocrisy of Senator Norm Coleman and the devil-may-care splendor of U.S. military detention facilities.
Upon check-in, guests receive a specially designed welcome package that includes a leather-bound Bible, a copy of the U.S. Constitution with flame thrower, and our patented "Fraternity Prank Personal Intimidation Kit." The kit contains a polaroid camera, various dog training equipment, and a dozen AAA batteries with cable.
After the free shuttle service to our spacious guest accomodations, visitors are summoned to the opening gala - a lavish culturally sensitive repast of endangered species, followed by a visit with a leading right wing member of Congress, who will personally autograph a copy of our handbook, "America in the World: Why the Rules Don't Apply to Us."
And then the fun really begins for our guests...
Busloads of liberal elitists are brought in to Camp Neocon, solely to engage in fraternity pranks on our neocon guests. Fraternity pranks can include a variety of tactics, all completely harmless and rarely resulting in severe injury or death. These games are merely intended to elicit important information about Neocon plans for taking over the government. But it's all in good fun at Camp Neocon!
The highlight of the evening is the rollicking 'Bible Flush and Light Show.' This usually results in an emotional breakdown for some guests, and counselors are available onsite to address their psychological needs.
When our exhausted and contented guests are shuffled back to their cabins, the fun doesn't end... Round the clock staff turn the lights on periodically throughout the night, resulting in severe sleep deprivation and anxiety. Liberal elitists are brought in to watch the confused and nervous guests through a specially designed mirror.
When morning finally comes, visitors are awakened by a continuous tape of barking dogs, and another day at Camp Neocon dawns bright and sunny.
So... sign up today, and give the special Neocon in your life a gift they'll always remember. Mention that Polly Sigh sent you, and you'll receive a 10% discount.
And remember our slogan!
"Camp Neocon: Let us remove your personal barriers."
See you next week.
Your friend,
Polly
Today’s installment in our series to heal the politically lame features this note from a deeply troubled reader... Naturally, I feel her pain.
Dear Polly:
I think this last week was really depressing.... even in the context of the last 5 years, which have been pretty dismal. I guess I really don’t know why I’m writing, except that I hoped that you could somehow restore my faith, my belief in the America that I remember. I mean, now the President’s chief political guy, that Rove character, is telling the names of our undercover agents... What is that? Isn’t that treason? And then the London bombings, which just made me feel awful, and the whole terrorism thing seems to be getting worse, not better... Please tell me something good, Polly. Anything. I don’t know where else to turn.
Sincerely,
Depressed Over America
Dear DOA:
I understand your feelings completely. Even I, keeper of the white light and possessed of tremendous spiritual strength, can fall prey to the occasional feelings of hopelessness.
But alas, we cannot dwell in such a negative place. As patriots, we must do whatever it takes to heal ourselves, and commit anew to the struggles that lie ahead. And there will be struggles, to be sure.
My advice to you, DOA, is to take the day off. Yes, the whole day. Lock the children in their cages if you must, but find a way to regain your spiritual center. Hear some music, take a long walk, work in the garden, become wildly intoxicated – whatever it takes to release the negativity that weighs you down. Then return to the fray with all your newly found energy. It works. Trust me.
You know, when I was a child growing up in Andersonia, we had one dentist in our town. Everyone went to him. His office was upstairs of the bank and across the street from the newsstand. He was unique among dentists in that he did not believe in the use of novacaine during dental work. He gave this advice just before turning on the drill:
“Look out the window at that flag across the street, and remember all the people that gave their lives for you, and how lucky you are to be an American. Just keep looking at the flag, you’ll be fine.”
Well, I took him at his word, as children are wont to do. I looked at the flag as he drilled into my teeth. And the amazing thing looking back on it, is that I don’t remember feeling any pain.
Such is the power of the heart and the mind.
We must always work to create that flag in our minds eye every day. When we are tired, and don’t think we can go on, we pause, but we always return. We bend, but never break. We take a breath, but we never stop.
This is the work of a patriot. So, my advice to you today is the same as that given to me by my dentist those many years ago...
Just keep looking at the flag, you’ll be fine.
And don’t forget Rock Hudson and Doris Day.
I’ll be here if you need me.
Your friend,
Polly
[This is the latest installment of my weekly series for the tired, poor, huddled masses who dot the charred American political landscape. May god bless you all. You are my people.
-- Polly Sigh]
Dear Reader:
This weekend, as we celebrate the birth of our great nation, I ask that you ponder the meaning of freedom and democracy. And that you thank the brave men and women of yesterday and today who have sacrificed so greatly to ensure the traditions bestowed by our remarkable founders.
Let it not be said, as we enjoy the picnics and fireworks that accompany our national remembrance, that we take for granted the freedoms that have been handed to us by those that went before. We owe them more than gratitude. We owe them vigilance, and the willingness to defend the democracy they have passed on to us.
Myself, I will participate in a number of civic gatherings, parades and picnics with my fellow Americans. There will be bands playing marches, children in 3-legged races, hot dogs and ice cream… trees and lakes… streets filled with neighbors… flags waving in the summer breeze.
So, my friends, let us look to a future that belongs to all of us - a future that ‘we, the people’ have the power to create.
I wish you all a wonderful holiday, and hope that today’s happiness reminds us all how important the Fourth of July really is…
See you at the parade.
Your friend,
Polly Sigh
P.S. If you notice that my eyes fill with tears as the flag passes by, please do not inquire.
Dear Readers –
This week I am ready to announce the culmination of many months of hard work, market feasibility studies, and experimental prototype development for the creation of my new product… I’ve teamed up with some “Official Washington” consultants, and together we’ve created a board game that I think will change forever the way Americans spend their evenings…
Drum roll, please.
I am proud to present to you the new parlor entertainment that will sweep the land...
“American Hack©”
The Board Game of Intrigue, Influence and Ineptitude in our Nation’s Capitol
American Hack© features all the characters we’ve come to know and love, a map of Capitol Hill, and miniature, fully expensed cars that zip back and forth along K Street…
Other highlights of the game include The Press Room, The Cloak Room, A Place of Worship, The Family Values Center, and The Official Watering Hole. The Press Room holds special importance in the game, with players alternately trying to get in, or trying to avoid getting in. Getting in earns players a pass on Senate Select Committee Hearings. The Press Room is in the center of the board, but players can get around it by stopping at either A Place of Worship or The Family Values Center.
There are four teams that compete for influence over major legislation. Teams can write large checks, secure slots on policy committees that regulate their industries, purchase lavish vacations for members of Congress, or check their spines in the Miniature Oak Paneled Cloak Room, which enables them to become a Future Presidential Candidate.
When the game starts, players can select which team they’re going to play for. The teams are: Members of Congress, Lobbyists, Religious Leaders, and The Press. Additionally, there are 3 Political Whores. They are the political equivalent of the ancient Succubi, and are picked up like a virus at The Official Watering Hole, and cannot be disposed of for the duration of the game. Picking up a Political Whore carries a myriad of negative consequences.
Criteria for winning the game varies, dependent upon which team you’ve decided to play for.
For instance, Members of Congress win by surpassing a predetermined fundraising goal, which requires numerous trips up and down K Street, and then securing a “White House Favor” card. The White House Favor card can be used at any time in the game to instantly become “Future Presidential Candidate” or to bypass The Press Room by jumping to A Place of Worship or The Family Values Center. If they are infected with a Political Whore at the Official Watering Hole, their Future Presidential Candidate card is revoked.
For a Lobbyist to win, there are some options. One option is to be a key fundraiser for a Member of Congress. The other is to secure a multi-year, billion dollar contract for one of the big K Street firms. Lobbyists secure bonus points by choosing correctly the Future Presidential Candidate, and win by eventually attaining a White House Staff Position. This is the only group for whom the Political Whore has no consequences.
Religious Leaders have multiple steps to achieve victory in the game. First, they must form a non-profit values-based organization. Then, through multiple trips to K Street, they must secure travel expenses for appearances at high-profile family conflicts centered around End-of-Life Issues. Ultimately, they achieve victory by holding a nationally televised prayer vigil in A Place of Worship or The Family Values Center, and then stabbing to death a Member of Congress using the Shiv of Holy Shame. This is followed by a Ritual Sucking Out of the Soul in the Miniature Oak Paneled Cloak Room. If they accidentally stab to death a Future Presidential Candidate, they are disqualified. If they accidentally pick up a Political Whore, possession of the Shiv of Holy Shame is revoked, and they are forced to report immediately to the Press Room, where they will be grilled without benefit of a press aide.
And finally, The Press… victory is least complicated for members of The Press. This team doesn’t actually move around the board, but instead rolls the dice for access to members of the other three teams. They must ask questions of the other team members, but they must tread carefully. If they ask a question that is too pointed of a Member of Congress, Lobbyist, or Religious Leader, they are penalized with the Helen Thomas Access Card for three rolls of the dice. Players who succeed in avoiding the Helen Thomas Access Card are rewarded with their own political show on cable television, which allows them to show their sensitive side and start a long-term relationship with a Political Whore. Taking up with a Political Whore can have negative consequences, but allows members of the press corps to date.
So, ladies and gentleman, there it is… My latest creative endeavor, and one that will surely be the next big thing in adult home entertainment.
In the very near future, American Hack© will be available for purchase. Until then, I hope that you can find some way to entertain yourselves, and break up the monotony that threatens to smother your aching soul.
I recommend Rock Hudson and Doris Day.
See you next week,
Polly Sigh
As a rule, I devote this column to the concerns of my readers, as expressed in their touching, and sometimes grammatically troubling letters. However, this week, in a bold break from tradition, I will be sharing a letter penned by yours truly to Mr. George W. Bush.
Now you may ask, what has upset you so, Polly, that you would write to the actual President of the United States or his facsimile? Well, after careful thought, I have concluded that the policies and programming of the current administration do not adequately represent the Progressive viewpoint – they are extremely biased toward the Conservative perspective, and I feel that this must be rectified immediately. Below is my humble missive to Mr. Bush.
Dear George:
I am writing today to express my grave concern over the clearly Conservative bias espoused on a daily basis by your administration. After all, public funds are used to finance administration activities, and I feel that this warrants a more balanced approach to policy making.
In deference to what I’m sure is a very tight schedule of cardiovascular exercise and publicity junkets, I’ve taken the liberty of outlining some suggestions for policy alterations, as well as individuals who are highly esteemed by Progressives in Official Washington.
Let us begin at the beginning.
[This is the latest installment of my weekly series for the tired, poor, huddled masses who dot the charred American political landscape. May god bless you all. You are my people.
-- Polly Sigh]
Dear Polly Sigh:
Recently I attended the Take Back America conference that was held in Washington, D.C… the conference was wonderful, and I really learned a lot about the Progressive agenda. I met some fascinating people, too. I had hoped to meet you there, but you were constantly surrounded by a horde of media people, and I was unable to get near you. But I do have a question. Being politically independent, I have attended Conservative gatherings also. One thing I noticed is that Progressives seem to dress a lot more casually than Conservatives. Do you have an explanation for this? Is it because Conservatives tend to be wealthy, or do you think the reasons are more complex?
Curious Lady After Washington
This week, a political neophyte reaches out for help in his quest to become involved in democracy... Naturally, I have given him the emotional and practical support he needs as he begins his political journey. God Bless America.
Dear Polly:
I am very disturbed about the recent acquisition of the Republican Party by the Religious Right element of the population. I am a life-long conservative, but this new brand of conservative extremism, I find a little frightening. They willingly trample the Constitution, while claiming to be following the tenets of the Bible. I am a person of faith, but I also believe that in a free country, we must have open debate, honest government, and separation of church and state. These are the founding principles of this country, and I do not want to see them abandoned.
I have watched this movement gain hold over some of my own Senators and Representatives, and am becoming increasingly nervous about it. I have never been involved in politics, but frankly, I think the time has come for me to speak out...
I realize that you and I do not share the conservative viewpoint, but I trust that you will be able to provide some information to help me get started. Your columns frequently talk about your love of democracy, and I assume that applies to people who share your viewpoint, as well as those that don’t. Please help if you can.
Signed,
Scared Conservative In Pittsburgh
Greetings, dear reader… It seems like forever since I’ve had good news to report, what with all the skullduggery afflicting our country… but today I bring great tidings. In response to the unprecedented abuse of majority status about to be launched on the floor of the U.S. Senate, the citizens have organized a filibuster in my home town of Andersonia.
The brave pines are bending to the winds of adversity, my friends, but they shall not break. No, they stand proudly, providing shelter to a large number of Andersonians, as we hold forth in protest of the destruction of our beloved Filibuster. The filibuster is one of the prized checks and balances that keep the majority party from going completely mad – mad – mad I tell you – with power.
Approximately 200 citizens have joined me on the steps of the Public Library here in Andersonia, where we have also organized a potluck, 3-legged races for the kids, and a rollicking game of “pin the problem on the donkey.”
[Editor's Note: Polly Sigh is the DCP's own healing columnist who visits us weekly to bind our political wounds with a laying on of the keyboard. We give her thanks and praise.]
My series to heal the politically lame continues with this week’s installment... I will advise the reader that this week’s offering is not of a humorous bent. I received this note from ‘the man from Missouri’ and have included my response. Alas, although I try to lighten the lives of the lumpen masses, there are some things which even I cannot make humorous.
[This is the latest installment of my weekly series for the tired, poor, huddled masses who dot the charred American political landscape. May god bless you all. You are my people.
-- Polly Sigh]
Dear Polly:
I am a professional psychic living in London, and the big story here this week is about meetings between President George Bush and British officials in 2002. Apparently, Bush had already decided at that time to invade Iraq and to manipulate the intelligence data to justify his plan. Our government went along with this scheme.
What nobody is talking about is that this memo presents clear evidence that both Bush and Blair have psychic ability. They knew before the war that there was going to be a war!! The psychic connection is obvious, and yet people choose not to believe. I have thought for a long time that psychic talent should play a more prominent role in government affairs. I assume that you share this view.
Perhaps, together, we can work to give psychic ability its rightful place in policy decisions. What do you think?
Tuned In Psychic Student in Yarmouth
Dear TIPSY:
Drop the chicken entrails and back away from the keyboard...
[An exciting installment in our ongoing series to heal the politically lame… this cryptic note was delivered to me while on vacation in Escanaba, Michigan.]
Dear Polly:
I would have called you, but I think my phone has been wire-tapped. I am a government employee. Meet me in the lobby of the Antler Lodge near the potted pine at 6:00 pm… I need your help. Your country needs your help. Please burn this letter after you read it.
Signed,X
Needless to say I was completely a-twitter upon receipt of this mysterious missive! I must share with my readers that my heart was beating quite rapidly as I approached the lobby of the lodge, and cast about to find the designated potted pine.
And then I saw him.
It was as if the Earth stood still. No sound. No movement. Just those remarkable eyes, shining between pine boughs.
I quickly pulled myself together, and reminded myself that I was here as part of the All-Across-the-USA-Resistance movement. I had to keep my wits about me. He stepped out from behind the pine, and motioned for me to take a seat.
What follows is the best memory can summon of our conversation. I will confess that had he not been so strikingly handsome, so troubled in a sensitive yet manly way, I may have recalled more details. Alas, dear reader, I am but human.
X: Thank you for meeting me. I don’t have much time.
PS: Oh, my god… you’re dying…
X: No, I’m late for a meeting. Did you see the President’s news conference?
PS: Sadly, yes.
X: Do you think anyone bought it?
PS: Not that I’ve found. And I do have my finger on the political pulse of America.
X: I know. That’s why I asked you here. Listen, what I’m going to ask you is very important.
PS: Naturally.
X: Have you received a letter from a guy in Missouri?
PS: Yes, it was appalling.
X: I thought so. We’ve been watching him for a long time. But now we think he might be watching us.
PS: I can see why.
X: Thanks, but that’s not what I mean... we think he’s in counter-intelligence, and he’s been working against some of us in the company. He’s not really from Missouri.
PS: The scoundrel…
X: He’s a member of the home team… if you get my meaning.
PS: Of course. He plays for the Tigers.
X: No, he’s a member of the administration.
PS: Oh, dear… how intriguing.
X: We’d like you to maintain contact with him.
PS: You realize he’s quite disgusting…
X: Oh yeah, we realize that. We’ve just got to catch him at it.
PS: I understand. I will do my duty and write to him immediately.
X: Tell him you want to meet him.
PS: Actually, he suggested that in his first letter…
X: Excellent.
PS: Where should I meet him?
X: Pick a hotel lobby. I don’t care which one. Then call me at this toll free number. Tell me where you’re meeting. I have to go now. Please tell no one of this meeting.
PS: Of course not. I am the picture of discretion, darling…I mean X.
X: Thank you. And one more thing before I go…
PS: Yes?
X: I find courageous women very attractive.
As my eyes melted into his, he nodded quickly and disappeared. I then concluded that I could not proceed intelligently without a martini, and walked slowly across the lobby to the bar.
I pondered my new assignment and sipped my martini, realizing suddenly that I was now engaged in espionage to save my beloved country. X and I together. Fighting sculduggery and protecting the American Dream.
I felt very proud.
Discreetly yours,
Polly
[This is the latest installment of my weekly series for the tired, poor, huddled masses who dot the charred American political landscape. May god bless you all. You are my people.
-- Polly Sigh]
Dear Reader –
I received this letter from a very enthusiastic archeologist. It has changed my life.
Dear Miss Sigh:
I have made a remarkable discovery that I feel must be shared with the world. The current political climate is not conducive to the pursuit of scientific knowledge, so I have entrusted my findings to you. And also because I believe your destiny to be inextricably connected to this discovery.
For obvious reasons, I cannot share the location of my work, but I have spent the last two years engaged in the translation of a text that was part of my discovery. The many artifacts found have provided priceless clues to this previously unknown society. And what a Utopia it was!
[This is the latest installment of my weekly series for the tired, poor, huddled masses who dot the charred American political landscape. May god bless you all. You are my people.
-- Polly Sigh]
In a break from tradition, I will not be answering the increasingly depressed, angry, and hopeless letters from the lumpen masses. Instead, I will focus today on what has clearly become the issue for our times: Mental Illness.
It used to be that the legions of loons - the magical misfits - the wonderful wackos – were made up largely of the downtrodden poster-children of the lumpen masses. But now, in breaking news, it turns out that mental illness has infiltrated the elite class, and is afflicting some Congressional members particularly hard.
(Another entry in the continuing saga of the politically lame, as we climb our way out of the muck...)
Dear Polly –
I write this from an undisclosed location. Recent statements by some members of Congress and radical Christian activists have led me to fear for the safety of my family. I hope there is NO DELAY in your receipt of this message, as I have been asked to communicate on behalf of many of my colleagues. We hear the TOMTOM beat of a great Constitutional crossroads, with conservative religious zealots attacking the autonomy of the judiciary. And the effort by some leaders to WHIP up extremist behavior is, in our opinion, both irresponsible and destructive to the Separation of Powers outlined in our precious Constitution. Please make sure this MEMO is passed on to those who can help us. We do not know who else to trust.
Sincerely,
Man of Judiciary Office
Dear MOJO –
Message received. Troubled times are so exciting, don’t you think?? I’m all a-twitter – really! As you know, I am a leader in the All-Across-the-USA Resistance movement. I have resisted many things over the years, and one of them is participation in any form of organized religion. I don’t like being told what to do. It’s un-American. And I deeply resent the expectation of being organized.
Dear Polly Sigh –
I’m sick and tired of listening to everybody’s “opinion.” They don’t share my views, so screw them. All this whining about Tom DeLay trying to end the filibuster is really irritating. Who says it’s a two-party system? Where is that written? If Tom DeLay doesn’t want to hear different opinions in the U.S. Senate, then he shouldn’t have to. All real Americans agree with him anyway. The only people who don’t are Gays, Jews, Democrats, Blacks, Libertarians, Asians, Hispanics, Indians, college-types, show people, and some Republicans. And they don’t deserve to live here anyway. I don’t give a damn what they think. If they don’t like it, they can leave.
Signed,
Protector of The U.S.
Our next installment in the on-going political healing of America. This letter comes from a Socialist American, and because this great land of ours is free, I have responded to him as though he were a normal individual.
Dear Polly:
I am a card-carrying Socialist, and for years have been dissatisfied with our government. My friends and I have begun an organized effort to elect candidates who share our views. Our eventual goal is to gain control over all three branches of government, and restructure them to reflect our manifesto and worldview. We are watching with interest the efforts of the Neocon Religious Right as they take over the U.S. government using their manifesto, “the Bible.” We are hoping for the same level of success in the future. I was wondering if you could provide some information on how this was accomplished, including some details on Mr. Tom DeLay’s work to force re-districting in his state and attract big corporate money to his cause. I’d appreciate it very much.
Sincerely,
Socialist American Politician
This is the latest installment of my weekly series for the tired, poor, huddled masses who dot the charred American political landscape. I have read your letters and feel your pain. May god bless you all. You are my people.
-- Polly
Dear Reader:
As many of you know, this column is generally devoted to calming the troubled minds of the lumpen masses. But alas, if one is not part of the solution, then one is not part of the solution. So, this week I will begin my patriotic effort to be a part of the solu